Silly fairy tales

#1 The Shopkeeper’s daughter

Once upon a time, in a city somewhere in Italy, there was a girl, who worked in a grocery shop, owned by her parents.

On a certain day, a man entered the shop with the strong determination;

He did not have the intention to rob that place, and he also had no gun; neither to kidnap that girl, neither had he bad intentions; but he wanted to buy two apples.

To be more precise: he needed to travel, and although the saying goes “one apple a day keeps the doctor away”, he thought: “I need to travel far, perhaps not buy one but two apples”, “who knows” “perhaps I eat one and want another” “and where to get it if I won’t buy it”

This type of action was actually his usual way, as he used to “do things double”, so that he would rather buy two apples then one;

but also that he would buy them with determination, rather than “just because you need to eat”;

or, perhaps this is more precise, that he liked to reason why do to something;

But he liked to do things “double” also of another kind;

such as that a visit to a grocery shop was somewhat of a visit to a shop, but also “an experience”, like visiting an exhibition or an opera house,

and that he was interested in nice things and in people, so that he was pleased to see so many nice things and a friendly person behind the counter.

Hello, he said to the shop girl, may I please have two apples, if you like.

These words “if you like” was a bit “unnecessary”, “too much”, or you could say “double”, but now we understand the man, we can also understand why he adds extra words to a sentence

The girl was a bit surprised by this man, not so much by the words, but he slightly reminded her of someone (Michael Corleone from the Godfather movies, she later remembered, but in this case without a hat)

This was actually her usual way; as, what neither of both knew of the other, she also liked to “do things double”.

As such she would not simply look at people in a casual way, but also compare them with other people, for example from novels or movies

She picked two apples out of the box of apples, and was a bit hesistating with it, waiting for her subconscious to come to help her to pick the apples, rather than “simply by deliberation”.

This was actually her usual way, as - as mentioned already few times now, sorry for bothering - she used to “do things double”

This had the effect that selling groceries was somewhat of a practical work but also somewhat of a “creative process”; such as interior design, painting, you name it

For the man this was no problem as he could use the extra time to look at her, from behind, which is never a waste of time, as woman can be beautiful in all aspects

She had a somewhat orange skirt with flowers, not too long but also not extremely short

As this man liked to “do things double”, he would not just look at things, but compare them with other things, or even better: “categorize” them

So that he wondered whether the skirt would fall in the category “just short”, “somewhat too short” or “way too short”;

No, he thought, that skirt is definitely somewhat on the short side, rather than on the long side; but I would not categorize the skirt any different than “just short”

As he liked to “do things double”, apart of the shirt, he also noticed her hair band; which he simply categorized as “funny”

This was actually his usual way, as he liked to look at some things in detail, a bit slow, such at the skirt, at the risk of “voyeurism”, but also do things quick, such as with the hair band

And, to make the picture complete, because everything was double, he did this in a both conscious, but also natural way.

While the girl was sort of hesistating, he even had a small extra moment, of a more peculiar, or you could say “dreamy” or “romantic” kind, to categorize her in a more “total way”

Namely, he deliberated: would she fall in the category “cute” if not “very cute” if not “extremely cute”?

In the meantime, but I would guess no more than five seconds, the girl picked two apples and laid them on the counter.

She did this with a somewhat definite, firm gesture. As if this was not a grocery store but a rifle shop and these were two guns: kaboom!

This was actually her usual way, as she used to “do things double”, so that she would not just put items on the counter in a simple way, but also in a deliberate way.

This meant trouble ahead, as apples are not rifles

To be more precise: apples have the peculiar art of “being round” and round objectes do not like to be put on a table in such a deliberate manner.

To be even more precise, you could say that apples are not just “round” but that “round objects tend to be a bit stubborn” (a cheeky reader would say: ah! now I understand women! these round, stubborn persons!)

Ho ho, not so fast Sir. I am talking about apples here.

So this one apple, the most stubborn of both, possibly the roundest, simply refused to lay still and rolled to the side of the counter and fell on the ground: oops!

The girl was very sorry, not for the man but the apple, and bent over to the ground to grab it, while in that movement she slightly hit the counter with one leg, and the other apple fell off at the other end.

The man - puzzled - was a bit sorry for this and also bent to the ground to grab the other apple.

By doing this they both ended up underneath the counter.

Precisely at that moment the mother of the girl came in the shop and not just in a slow way, but in her usual “marching style”;

And also not silently, but as was her habit: loud; twice repeating: “Valentina?? Valentina?????!!!!”

The mother looked determined to find any mouse or fly or anything not of her liking and slam it;

or, even more likely, kill a man who tried to kiss her daughter under the counter;

or, if we would categorize this situation correctly, most likely:

call for her husband, the father of Valentina, to do away with this stranger in any possible horrible way, that the father of Valentina would deem suitable

At that very moment (no hurry here, we can patiently observe the situation, as it seemed that time stood still), the girl was thinking what would her mother do if she saw her with a strange man under the counter

Her mother would probably not mind the two apples; but rather the two persons; and yes what to do

She thought about several options such as: “oops, mum might think that we are kissing!” “that I have a secret relationship” “next she forces me to marry this unknown man”

Aha. So she was rather thinking of marriage than murder, interesting choice.

The man, for who also time stood still, was also thinking about options and in his mind they were as such: “oops, what if this woman is her mother and think that I am kissing with her daughter under the counter” “she might run for her husband and they’ll shoot me” “or force me to marry and I am only twenty two”

Interesting; the mother thinks of murder and the other two of love; very interesting, from psychological point of view

Though the option “murder” crossed the mind of the man, perhaps people who think “double” tend to think in a more positive way, with a special preference for “love” related stuff

I would tend to qualify this, though I try just to remain an objective observer, as “very remarkable”.

Even more so, the act to “categorize” things might be also named the act to “qualify” things, as these kind of people apparently look for “quality stuff” as skirts, hairbands, apples and whatever “fine material”

The mother repeated for the third time “Valentina!!!???” and then ran off to go to another room, to see whether “Valentina” would be there (or a fly or a mouse or anything not of her liking what needed to be exterminated).

Next the man wanted to go out of the counter, but before that, he noticed a small problem, which he wanted to categorize first;

To be more concrete: that the girl’s dress, or Valentina’s dress we can now say with almost 100% certainty - the girl got a name - slightly went up

This revealed a larger part of her legs, than when she stood behind the counter; and also slighty higher than what is deemed “culturally accepted”, especially in a catholic country in 1974 (now you also know the period; Godfather 2 just came out)

As he liked to categorize things, he wondered if this would fall in the category “somewhat problematic”, “rather problematic” or “totally problematic”

This was only if you would exclude the fact that they were still under the counter, which was obviously in the category “very peculiar”

The girl was also in a certain “reflective mood”. Rather than saying something or moving, she thought whether to categorize this situation as “odd” “somewhat very odd” or “absolutely weird”

But as she liked to do things double, she also did not exclude a second row of options, namely “quite funny”, quite tempting”, “very tempting” if not plain “romantic”

The man thought: okay I go, lets get on your feet; but then he noticed another thing that needed assessment: the situation reminded him of something! But of what?

Oh, yes: a painting he once saw in a hotelroom, on one of his travels. Of course!

This was actually his normal habit, as he liked to do things double; he would not just end up in a situation, but also compare it with something else.

To be more concrete: in this case the situation reminded him of a painting

And to be more precise: it was a painting of a Russian artist, “Sadko”; about a man who ended up in an underwater world, and next he was allowed to marry some of the underwater girls, out of which he chose the one at the other side.

The man thought: funny, Sadko ended up under water and me under a counter.

This made him giggle and the girl also had to giggle, though he was not the same person as she was;

and neither she the owner of his thoughts; but that was apparently not a problem for this duo

End of story

#2 Appetite

A man and a woman were having a date in an Italian restaurant; but waiting long time for the food.

The owner showed up and said: I am very sorry but Mario the chef dropped your plates of spaghetti on the floor, we have to renew it

The woman said: I’m hungry!

So I said to the waiter: look! my girlfriend is really hungry!

Yes! I can see she is hungry! his eyes replied

The girl was indeed really hungry; her eyes said: if I cannot bite in something, I will bite someone if not Mario the cook!

I even added: "if not fed, she will bite someone"

This comparision might look superfluous, but my habit was to do things double, so I also used to practical things, but also superfluous things

This is a sometimes unwelcome habit of me, because the waiter look at us suspiciously: weird couple

I must say that she looked a bit wild. I imagined her as a typical italian. Moving hands in the air, very expressive

I was a bit restless as in front of her was eating equipment as a fork and a knife, which are possible objects for eating, but you can also use them to commit violence

Thank goodness that she had a kind nature; and secondly, that they finally brought the spaghetti and also salad

So we sort of eat, right? I asked

And we were eating very slowly

And smiling

With some music in the background (someone sang “it feels like heaven”)

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Most of these actions were on purpose; I like to do things double; I will not just start eating but also first inquire whether she is ready for it. It is not relevant whether she is hungry or not: you do things double anyway.

And eating slowly is also on purpose, as I usually do away wit annoying chores double as fast, but good food I taste double as slow

And you can also “double it again”: eating slowly so that we could have all the time to gaze at the other person; as at least I, and possibly also she, liked to do two things at the same time

And you know what happened with every bite of food?

Partly it decreased our hunger, which is good right?

Very!!

But on the other part it increased our sexual appetite, which was problematic!!

(As this was a restaurant, where appetite was supposed to be dealt with rather than to be enhanced)

After the meal, both the man and the woman were both fed with food, but still troubled by a "mysterious kind of hunger" which was irritating

The man thought: I can possibly try a dozen strategies for dealing with this mystery of “mysterious hunger" , but it seems I can possibly only solve this phenomenon by kissing this woman

Apparently she had the same thing on her mind, so they ended up in bed

You might guess what happened next. I will skip some details, as it is not nice to “look into someones bedroom” “especially while they are busy with sex”

Imagine if you would go for a walk and just you looking in other persons bedrooms: fuj!!! Are you a voyeur?

If needed, we can assess the situation psychologically, if you like.

And that might be handy, because although they took off their clothes, the man did not take off of his habit of also “being busy with psychology” or to say more in common “with things of the mind”

Some things he did double, and other things he did “half”; apparently “as he liked”

So we will not focus on him caressing her, no we not further investigate, as to which places he touched, and how, and whether he did it with his left or right hand, and what she did

No, we skip all that, but we can observe that he also spoke about politics, to be more precisely, about the Boer Republics in South-Africa.

She listened to him talking about history

You might say: typical “Mr know-it-all”, “mansplaining”; fuj!!!!!!!! And you say: these things are totally unrelated: sex and Boer Republics.

But for him not, as both the girl and these Republics fall under category “beautiful” if not directly “very beautiful”

Als you might say: why do you need to relate her beauty with something else?!?!?!?

But this was his habit; as he tended to do things double, he compared the beauty of the girl with the beauty of these republics

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For example the Boer Republics had the coolest flags, actually he has one of the flags on the wall in his living room (to be more precisely of Orange Free State)

Also they had a cool constitution. In our current society we have article one of the constitution that says

article 1 sub 1 Everyone is equal under the law

article 1 sub 2 Discrimination on any ground is strictly forbidden

In his vision this is a terrible “Gutmensch” article; these people want to make everything perfectly even like a tenniscourt.

But in his Boer Republics they had a different mindset, their constitution stated:

article 1 sub 1 We are a white christian nation under the sun

article 1 sub 2 We see no ground to not respect other nations, everyone can have his own place on this planet

The man liked these kind of “mind games” as to carress. He was busy with a third thing: analyzing her physique; or to be more precisely, the structure of her body

You might wonder: this is again totally unrelated, he talks about the constitution and next he is busy studying her body

But for him this is the same, partly he is busy with “the constitution” and partly “her constitution”

He always wondered that women had a “funny type of physique”; where the figure would narrow towards the waist line, but then widen again, to later become narrow again

If you follow this line with your hand, this gives the funny impression like someone on skis who would go down, but then notice that he would go uphill again

This comparision is perhaps a bit weird; but he always liked to do things double; so he compared caressing with skiing.

In the fourth place he studied her character. This was a sometimes “unwelcome” trait of him. Once he even “sabotaged” a relation by it, which sank similar to the Titanic.

Because not all people like this “analytics business”. Sometimes people even said: you are not “analyzing me again, aren’t you”?!

If you analyze another person while doing the dishes, that can be tricky. And it can ruin a relationship.

He saw this too in one of his favo writers, Marcel Proust. He read it in Proust’s biography.

Proust had a relation with Reynaldo Hain, a composer from Brazil, who traveled to France; and already at young age made musical gems like “A Chloris”; or perhaps even better, “L'heure exquise”

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Proust and Hahn were a funny couple. They just drove around a bit, through Bretagne; because Proust was very rich, and did not need to work.

I guess Proust had some difficulty accepting his homosexuality, and later in life simply “abandoned sex”; but personality wise these two were a good match.

Still, the relation stranded; that is weird. But Reynaldo Hahn was complaining about Proust that he was often “analyzing him”; which he did not like. So Hahn ended the relationship: no more analyzing please!

Actually, Proust loved not analyzing Hahn, but more in common psychology. In his books he does not much more than “procrastinating” and “analyzing other people”; and “making jokes”.

His book series “A la Recherche du Temps Perdu” seems a long line up of tea and dinner parties, walks in the park, and car rides, with no apparent reason to analyse other people.

He does not do this at random, but follows a certain “code” or “pathway”, it seems; which seems remarkably the same as the Gospel.

The theme of the novel is “Marcel becomes a writer” which is pretty much the same as “The Word becomes flesh” in the Gospel

Proust is not going to sit in a church and learn “how Jesus did it” but he does things double: he directly applies it in practise, it seems

Another very interesting thing about Proust is that he did not like that people first judged him for who he was, and not first for his work.

This also seems to indicate Proust also did things double; he would not just look at a person, but also analyze that person; and he would not just look at the person, but also at his or her work

And he was not so much a person living out of work himself, but sort of “out of grace”;

So what were the findings of the man about the woman? There was a remarkable thing when he went with her to restaurants: she did not like to wait.

Basically, going to a restaurant with her was a risk, because restaurants tend to be full of people; or, basically, tend to have more visitors than waiters.

Once she said: why don’t restaurants have at least at every table a bell to ring for the waiter for personal service

Another remarkable thing was that she did not want to lose; or should I say that she did not accept losing?

Perhaps this might make it difficult for example, to play a board game with her, such as chess.

He wondered how that will end; either with defeat or would she throw with the chess pieces?

At first this personality trait puzzled him. But, as he liked to do things double, he gave it another thought.

And, as far as he could see now, for him this indicated that she had a strong relation with “goodness”; as she liked “good results” and not “a dead end”

A third thing he noticed was how she “actively engaged in mind games” like making up stories; and also: corrected him whenever she deemed the story line was not to her liking.

And not a bit like “possibly you could do so-and-so” but straightforward like: this is worthless! Try better!

He was at first a bit surprised by this; it was pretty direct.

But, as he liked to do things double, he gave it a second thought. For him this indicated that she had a strong relation with “the truth”

So if something was worthless it simple is worthless, she would rather say the truth than “what was socially desirable”; interesting, he thought, that is quite uncommon.

You can google in ten minutes that the Christ-is-born-in-Bethlehem story of Luke two is a forgery; nobody needed to go there from Nazareth.

Apart of it, it is not nice to drag a nine months old woman far away; can you imagine that this might trigger childbirth?

And you can see that the writer just made this story “so that the New Testament better connects with the Old Testament”, “as in the Old Testament is written that the Messiah is from Bethlehem and Nazareth is not Bethlehem.

And you can see that they covered this up by making the story super super super sweet, with a stable and a cow and a star and three wise men, or shephards; at least as story so sweet that your teeth will fall out of your mouth

But people have no difficulty with this: they have a “flexible relation with the truth”; they connect one thing with the other, even though it does not fix

While they made love, to which we will not focus, as we are not voyeurs, at least I hope; he wondered what more to think of her.

There was one sentence she once said, that he was not certain how to interpret. Because once she said, sort of out of nowhere it seemed “I don’t like when you question my abilities”

This did not ring a bell for him; though he vaguely had the idea that it looked a bit like Proust saying “first look at my work”

This sentence was as powerful as it was short. But he knew from the past that you cannot ignore something only “because it is small”; that would not be nice

This sort of rang a bell: “not nice” aha, we’re dealing with the theme “beauty” here.

Possibly! He tried lining up her character traits: he surmised that she had a strong relation with goodness; and also a strong relation with the truth. Next you could surmise a strong relation with beauty

Yes, you could say so; that when she would say “don’t question my abilities” or something like “I don’t like when you question my skills”, questioning a person’s skills is “not nice”, “not beautiful”

This might indicate that she had a strong relation with beauty too; or, as they would say in the Netherlands, or South-Africa, goedheid; waarheid, schoonheid

Very interesting he thought, and then they fell asleep.

#3 IKEA

Yesterday my beloved and me questioned the absence of a sofa in her house, which would be fun for love making.

So she proposed to go to IKEA, , which just opened a new store, as to try one.

IKEA has shops all over the world, if you would travel to Antarctica, you’d be surprised over there just to find pinguins, and not also a store of IKEA

Arrival

We arrived around 19.45 hrs. In difference with the other customers, we sat down in one of the “interiors” (they have corners that look like a real house), and waited till closing time, while we drank our tea.

After the intercom announced “all customers out please, we are now closing”, the other customers went away and we took off our clothes

As if this was the “secret, hidden meaning” of the command to which other customers were deaf

(as if, lets just imagine, the Bible had a hidden meaning, a colorcode or whatever, to which other people are blind)

Malmo

Next my beloved went to the “sofa” department. She first tried a sofa from the brand “Malmo” with a sign “100% quality”.

Malmo is the name of a city in the south of Sweden and apparently also the name of a sofa; and though the city is only “somewhat nice”, the sofa promised 100% quality

I turned to lie over her and kissed her, to which she replied with vehemence: “no, not like this!!!!!!!!!”

For an objective reporter this could be a shock, to which he might write in his report: “probably a bad kisser”, “if not very bad”

If you get such a comment, and with this vigor, you might inquire Guiness Book of Records category “worst kisser in the world”

But I knew (only since yesterday, I must admit) that she has a strong relation with goodness, so that possibly she was slighty unhappy with this sofa. Indeed she said: it tickles in my back, lets move over

Stockholm

Terrible waste of time with that first sofa. Fuj, can you imagine: first you look for a woman half your life, next you drive all the way to IKEA; you wait till closing time, clothes of, lie down, and next this: the sofa is not good!! !

Also bad communication!! ! Doesn’t IKEA have a communication advisor if not a complete team?

But the sign only said: “100% quality” and not “100% quality but tickles in your back” or even “if you also want to make love in it, try another one”

My beloved choose next a sofa from brand “Stockholm”, which had a nice color (orange). The sign next to it said “you’ll definitely love it”

If you are a bit under the influence of a nice woman, it has a certain “quantum effect” so that it “enriches” your perception so for me it dit not just read “you’ll definitely love it” but enriched as “you’ll definitely can make love on it”

We lied down on it and this time I thought: so much waste of time, let’s skip the kissing part; to which she replied: “This is a lie!”

To wich the objective reporter, possibly “a voyeur” by the way, could make the following notes in his report: underneath “probably a bad kisser”, “if not very bad” he added “apparently she has doubts about the relationship”

But again, since yesterday, I noticed that my beloved has a strong connection not only to goodness, but also to truthfulness

So that possibly the reporter, though perhaps an official one, with a diploma, was mistaken; perhaps she just discredited the trughfulness of the sign “you’ll definitely love it”

Intermezzo: how IKEA functions

I gave her time to find another one. She found a sofa which was grey, but looked very comfortable. It had the name “Hamburg”.

It is remarkable, that sofas in IKEA have place names. But I can imagine the absolute horror, that happened when they used up all Swedish place names and none left. And next they made another sofa, even a nice one: what to do, what to do!!!?

I can imagine the board meeting, with the full team of managers, and on the white board a picture of this sofa: what to do with it.

I can imagine that someone proposed this solution: lets destroy it!

Yes, if you have another sofa and no name for it, the best solution is destruction. That is an easy and quick solution.

This team member was perhaps the most “impatient” of the group, usually rushing of home immediately after 17.00 hrs.

Another person proposed: lets built a new city!

Indeed, why not. You can built a new city, give it a name, and next name the sofa after the city: done!

But quite eleborate solution: a bit too much if you ask me. Apart of that, you might need to import a lot of foreigners to live in that city, basically repopulate your country: oof!!

A third person raised his hand and proposed: lets call it “X”. Indeed, that is another way of solving it: excellent!

This person is probably the most intelligent of the team. And the one who is closely following social media.

He might have noticed that if you have a product, lets say a social media portal, and you have no idea how to name it, then just call it “X” and done. Though not very romantic for a sofa. This person is perhaps not the most romantic team member.

Fortunately the solution came from another team member. By accident there was an intern from Germany, from Hamburg.

This country is so unique, that most possibly everything you see, is invented there: automobiles, ceramics, disinfectants

They even went that far to invent world wars and holocaust, the absolute best and the absolute worst;

So the intern from Germany said: we can also use foreign city names.

Hamburg

Thank goodness. So they decided also to use foreign names. If you go to IKEA and find a table Kiev, or Buenos Aires, now you know as to where this idea originated

What a good idea. And also the origin of it. I already once said - but no one will listen: if you make a team, you need at least three members, preferably four, and make sure one of the members brings in a “foreign element”.

This is where it went wrong in World War two. Hitler and Himmler were ruling Germany, but Simone Weil was sitting at a kitchen table in London; apart of that, at the time no one knew Simone Weil, neither her talent.

So Hitler and Himmler ruined the whole continent, while Simone could have “slowed them down”, and preferably also influenced them to “rule mildly”

My beloved decided to lie down on the sofa Hamburg, as we already wasted so much time, I decided to directly lie on her; to which she commented: “I don’t like you.”

The objective observer, if present, in reality or hypothetically, could have wondered: is this the right moment for such a statement?

She must have noticed him before, right, and then you wait till this moment and say she doesn’t like you.

That must be the worst timing ever. If she doesn’t like him, why allow for him to start making love to her and next moment say this. So that he might write in his report, underneath: “probably a bad kisser”, “if not very bad” and “apparently she has doubts about the relationship”, also “madness”

The objective observer might think: okay, this is pure madness, I don’t want to see this anymore, and go away.

That is a pity, because he possibly forgot that she is the type that “she does everything double”

So that when she says one thing, this is - not always, but regularly - followed by another thing

Such as, in this particular moment, she started the sentence with “I don’t like you”, which was followed by “to wait any longer”

This reminded him of something, so that he started: I forgot to tell you something the other day.

If there would be an objective reporter (which was no longer there) he might have said: ah, the man is going to express his love for the woman, very romantic.

But the man said: I forgot that I wanted to tell you about the Kurgan theory. That is a theory how Indo-Europeans came to Europe.

This man also had the particular habit of doing things double. Already when he was young, this lead to a strange situation.

When he first kissed a girl, she commented on this by saying: “what do you do” to which he replied “I kiss you” to which she replied “yes, but with your eyes open”; as apparently it was unusual (if not categorically forbidden) to kiss a girl and at the same time not inspect her from close by; apparently a lot of things are not allowed

(as if, lets just imagine, the Bible had a hidden meaning, a colorcode or whatever, but you are not allowed to talk about it)

But the man liked to talk extra, independant of the moment, so he thought about that theory.

The Kurgan people made funny round hills in the landscape, he commented to her; to which he thought, but this only to himself:

“apparently the Indo-Europeans liked round forms”, “in that particular case possibly they must also liked women”

#4 At the doctor

I already wondered: but it happened. The other day the beloved and me started to throw things to each other.

This I already noticed in many divorce cases: people love to throw things at each other. But it is very “culturally different”.

Types of fighting

For example in a typical Dutch divorce case, the man and the women threw cartons of milk to each other’s head (this is not made up, real example).

But in southern cultures they do not drink milk. So they throw with plates or glasses. For example Syrians are much more into “ceramics”.

Milk can create a lot of mess, especially if the carton of milk is relatively full; but if you throw lets say a plate to a woman, that plate might break in the process of hitting her body, and then she might start to bleed (terrible, bring her to the doctor you idiot).

Another thing is self-harm. There was a man who would rather hit something else. He had a particular preference for IKEA tables. If there was an argument in the household with his beloved, he’d smash a tabel.

The women said: we already had to go to IKEA three times more to buy a new table.

Throwing things is very human. A famous example is “saint” Augustine. When he noticed that he could do a new move in his career, he threw away his girlfriend; because she would hinder his career.

To be sure that she would not get another man he “threw” her in a monastery. Next thing he did was finding a new girlfriend, but yeah, he perhaps liked the “throwing part”.

He also wrote in his “philosophical” work that stillborn babies were best to be thrown in hell

Apparently he could not resist the throwing part, this theory is on the list of the most despicable stories ever, but he liked to throw things so much, that he could not resist writing it down

Throwing emotions

Yesterday me and my beloved also started to throw things at each other. But we do not throw with milk, ceramics or babies; we throw with emotions. She trew with warm emotions and me with cold

So first the started to throw with elevated conceptions about my house and me; as if my house was like castle Neuschwanstein in Bavaria and me the owner of it, prince so-and-so.

I started politely with redressing the statements, but only regarding to the house (as if I lost my inheritance, the castle, but still prince so-and-so). So you can say her statement was overexpressive and mine underexpressive.

Next she came with another “carton of milk”, saying that “she was undignified” to which I threw a carton back (namely the blunt statement that the word “undignified” does not exist; if you fight, best use blunt objects).

Again, basically, her statement was overexpressive and mine underexpressive

Analysis

Because I had no idea what happened and why I acted as I did, I visited today Dr Young, a famous psychiatrist in our town. Dr Young replied to me:

If you fight, people tend to push back; so indeed where she was overexpressive, she said she wanted you to become overexpressive too

But you became “underexpressive” as to to the point of denying the existence of an existing word “undignified”

We psychiatrists identified this type of “throwing with emotions” as an effective, straightforward method to “attune one person to another person”.

Because you can say that you “like” that person or “lover her”; but that is just words, and words are cheap.

With words you just attune yourself to the other on the level of “something what the prince of Bavaria would say to his wife”: “I love you dear.” To which she could reply: “Yes, I heard that before.”

By such a game as throwing emotions at each other, you can attune yourself to another person on a more fundamental level of “basic emotions”, such as pleasure and arousal.

Dr Young said that these are the kind of emotions, though mitigated, cause the same physical symptoms that people feel in making love:

When one person says “I love you” and the other person “yes, I love you too” that is basically nothing else than two persons sitting across each other at a table where the first one says “did you read this in the news, public transport is striking” and the other says “then how do I have to go to work”

But when there is a discussion where one person is “overexpressive” and the other person “underexpressive” this is basically nothing else than making love where people are also usually “not sitting across each other at other ends of the table but lying on each other”

I was slowly getting a little bit annoyed by dr Young, because this seemed too close to intimacy.

But he insisted of telling me that he also saw such incidents before (to which I ungratefully thanked him), even at a younger age than mine (to which I stood up from my chair) and at regular basis (to which I said: goodbye!)

In retrospect he might have categorized my response as “somewhat overexpressive”; on the other hand I will still ask my beloved what she thinks of his analysis.

#5 Op de luchthaven

Mijn geliefde en ik schreven een verhaal hoe het zou verlopen als ik haar op de luchthaven van B. zou ontmoeten.

Ik begon met een slecht idee. De meeste mensen zijn Gutmenschen, die doen dingen graag goed of volgens het boekje en ik hou stiekem van slechte dingen.

Het Evangelie

Als de meeste mensen bijvoorbeeld het Evangelie zien, dan plaatsen zij zich netjes “onder het Woord” of ze gaan het netjes “belachelijk maken”; als het maar netjes is. Daardoor snapt noch de ene helft, noch de andere helft, wat er staat.

Ik ga die tekst doormidden zagen om te zien wat erin zit. Dat is brutaal, maar je snapt vervolgens de tekst: aha, een kleurcode geduld/goedheid/waarheid/schoonheid. En daarmee kan je ook andere teksten begrijpen. Dus zij beginnen goed en eindigen slecht; en ik begin slecht en eindig goed.

Een lift in een pand

Zo zijn er meer van dat soort “slechte ideeen”. Er is bijvoorbeeld een lift in het pand, en daarvan gaan de deuren opnieuw open als je er je hand tussen steekt. Maar je kan er ook een doos tussen zetten.

Dat is grappig want daardoor gaan de deuren nooit dicht en blijft de lift dus altijd op verdieping acht staan. En kunnen mensen op de andere verdiepingen eindeloos op de lift wachten.

Dat is een slechte gedachte; je doet het vervolgens niet; andere mensen hebben echter heel goede gedachtes, en doen vervolgens de slechtste dingen.

We hebben in Nederland een Deugmensch niet normaal en diens haar zit supernetjes. Hij zou er nooit aan denken om een doos tussen een liftdeur te zetten om mensen op andere verdiepingen te plagen. Maar hij doet niets dan oorlogmaterieel verschepen naar Oekraine waardoor hele gebouwen instorten met mensen onder het puin.

Een viaduct

Het heeft soms ook rare kronkels. Zo fietste ik afgelopen zomer over een viaduct over een snelweg. Het is de A50. Ik dacht: ik fiets snel door want ik moet plassen. Maar dat kan je ook van een viaduct doen. Dan kan je op de auto’s plassen en kijken hoe de bestuurders reageren; hahahaha, ik zie ze al boos zwaaien met de handen.

Dat doe je dan niet, want dan sta je de volgende dag op de voorpagina van de Telegraaf “man die plast van viaduct, aangehouden door de politie”, “voorarrest verlengd”

Nee, dan wil ik liever anders op de voorpagina van de Telegraaf staan zoals “man ontdekt kleurcode achter het Evangelie”.

Maar de Deugmenschen accepteren zoiets niet; die stoppen de waarheid “netjes achter het behang”. Als het maar netjes is.

De wegcontroleur

Ze houden meer van “negatieve dingen”. De Gutmenschen houden namelijk van een “goed potje klagen”.

Ik heb die krant nu al een paar keer zien liggen in de supermarkt en de voorkant begint steeds met “zorgen”. Zo stond er iets over “zorgen over asielzoekers”; maar afgelopen week ook “zorgen over wegcontroleur”.

Daar snapte ik echt niets van, wat zou er zijn met de wegcontroleur? Is hij van de ladder gevallen en heeft hij zijn been gebroken? Of is zijn huwelijk ten einde gegaan? Misschien is zijn cavia ziek? Dat is vervelend!

Maar deze mensen gaan echt geen kleurcode accepteren; maximaal “zorgen over man die kleurcode ontwerpt” “controle kwijt” of zoiets.

Aankomst op de luchthaven

Op dezelfde manier kan je grapjes uithalen op een luchthaven. Ik weet niet wat uw ervaring is van luchthavens, maar het personeel is standaard nijdig op je. Altijd gaat er iets fout en het is per definitie jouw schuld en ze kijken uit de ogen alsof je zodadelijk vijf jaar de gevangenis in moet.

Zo ging ik vorig jaar februari naar New York vliegen, vanuit Amsterdam.

Bij de controle in Amsterdam haalde ik de laptop uit de tas, want ik had eerder meegemaakt, die wordt eruit gehaald. Nee nee nee, zei de jongedame, in de tas laten! Fout dus.

Dus ik dacht op de terugvlucht: oke, kennelijk hebben ze nieuwe regels, ik laat de laptop in de tas. De tassen gaan op New York Airport over een lopende band, en die splitst zich in twee: gewone dingen gaan rechtdoor, en foute dingen gaan naar een zijband “foute boel”. Dus mijn tas ook.

Boos dat die vrouw was: laptop in de tas bent u gek meneer dat mag toch nooit!?!?!?!?!

Ze deed vervolgens de laptop in een aparte bak en die ging alsnog door de controle; alsof het iets anders dan een laptop was.

Grappig vond ik wel die Japanse jongen, of weet ik uit welk Aziatisch land hij kwam. Hij had een of andere spuitbus, soort pepperspray. Ik dacht: oe! die krijgt me zodadelijk een reprimande!

Maar ach, de vrouw haalde de spuitbus eruit, en liep naar een kast met “verboden artikelen”

Ze opende de kast en het zag eruit als de inhoud van de werkruimte van een alchemist: allemaal rare flessen met kleur gifgroen, paars en roze. Ze stopte het erin en “dat was dat”; geen probleem meneer.

Aankomst in B.

Nu naar mijn geliefde. Ik had een geintje bedacht dat ik een Mexicaan, die ook in het vliegtuig zat, honderd euro gaf. Hij zou dan naar haar toegaan en zeggen: hallo mevrouw ik ben Maurice Luymes en ik ben 1.50 meter groot.

Dan zou zijn flauw vallen en zou ik haar wakker kussen. Dat idee herinner mij van een sprookje, ik denk dat het Doornroosje was.

Mensen houden trouwens niet van sprookjes, wist u dat? Die hebben “Tolstoy”; bij Tolstoy gaat Roodkapje ongeveer zo:

De grote boze wolf komt Roodkapje tegen en die eet hij op en daarna de oma en die eet hij ook op en daarna de jager en die eet hij ook op; the end.

Maar ik had dus een echt sprookje bedacht. Maar mijn geliefde is iemand die “actief intervenieert in het leven”.

Dat is bij gewone mensen anders, als daar een asielzoeker komt en “asiel” roept dan springen ze in de houding alsof het de president van China is.

Maar zij reageert actief. En dus ging zij niet flauwvallen, maar rennen. De Mexicaan rende achter haar aan, en ik rende weer achter de Mexicaan aan.

We renden door het winkelgedeelte en door de free tax shops, daar vielen allerlei flessen met parfum om. Met als gevolg dat het hele vliegveld rook naar rozegeur.

De geliefde rende om een hoek en daarna nog om een hoek en haalde mij van de achterkant in (ik ren kennelijk in slow motion, hoe is dat mogelijk).

Hoe het sprookje afloopt? De Mexicaan werd aangeklaagd voor poging tot verkrachting maar dankzij goede legal aid vrijgesproken. Met ons gaat het prima.